


The Deterioration of One Sheldon Cooper

by Everettevans



Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hurt No Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:20:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24512215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Everettevans/pseuds/Everettevans
Summary: In the wake of Amy's death, Leonard witnessed the deterioration of one Sheldon Cooper.
Relationships: Sheldon Cooper/Amy Farrah Fowler
Comments: 2
Kudos: 46





	The Deterioration of One Sheldon Cooper

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Before you start reading this, I would like to warn you that this story is extremely sad and if that is not your cup of tea, please don't proceed any further. I wrote this story because I have been feeling down lately and writing is a way for me to cope with my feeling and I guess, I got caught up in my emotion while I was writing it as the story turned dark pretty quickly. If you're still up for it then please enjoy!
> 
> I also would like to say that as English is not my first language and I have no beta reader, the risk of grammatical errors would be higher than usual. I tried my best to correct them but I'm sorry if there are still some left! 
> 
> And last, it should be noted that this story is from Leonard's perspective.
> 
> P.s. I'm listening to Kodaline - All I Want while writing this :D

Leonard should have seen the signs. They were all there. He just needed to connect the dots and maybe this tragedy would never happen.

The signs were all right there right from the night Sheldon frantically knocked on his and Penny's apartment door and demanded to be taken to the hospital immediately. He's never seen his friend that panic before with words barely recognizable and eyes that couldn't seem to focus.

It was not because he was an unsympathetic friend, God knows that he was more than sympathetic enough for the past two decades to put up with his neurotic ex-roommate. No, it was because he thought that he knew his friend well that he was so sure it would never come to this.

Sheldon is like a robot, that's why Shelbot was used so often to refer to his friend when he joked about him. He knows without a doubt that his friend can experience feelings like the rest of humans do but sometimes the part of his brain that is used to translate these feelings is frequently ignored. Amy, throughout the years, has made him better in acknowledging these feelings but knowing Sheldon as long as he has, he felt like he knows what to expect from his friend.

They got to the hospital as fast as they could with Sheldon gripping the sides of his seat tightly next to him, either because of the situation itself or because he was driving past the speed limit. Penny was quiet in the backseat as she typed furiously on her phone. He guessed that she was informing their friends about their current situation.

When they arrived at the hospital, the nurse ushered them to sit and wait as Amy was still in the operating room. Not an hour later, Raj, Howard, and Bernadette came and asked what had happened.

It was not clear though. Sheldon clearly was in no state to say more than a few mechanical words and even then it didn't make any sense. When Leonard asked the nurse at the front desk, she only said that there was a big accident in her lab and Amy was right in the middle of it. The paramedics came as fast as they could but the accident was quite massive and right now Amy is in a critical condition.

Penny was sitting next to Sheldon trying to offer him comfort but Sheldon didn't seem to notice. Leonard sat in front of them with Raj, Howard, and Bernadette scattered on the seats around them.

When a few hours later a doctor came and called out for Amy's family. Leonard quickly stood but he was beaten by Sheldon who practically jumped out of his seat and ran to the doctor on the other side of the room.

Leonard didn't need to hear what the doctor said to know that the news must not have been good with the way Sheldon's legs gave out and he started to sob. He knew immediately that Amy could not be saved. He felt a shortness of breath and cursing himself for forgetting his inhaler. This is not the time for an asthma attack.

He approached Sheldon and the doctor only confirmed what he already knew. The accident had wreaked havoc on Amy's body and she was already in critical condition when she was brought in. Amy had never stood a chance since the beginning.

He saw Penny tried to hold back her tears while kneeling next to Sheldon, trying to take him into her arms. He saw Bernadette crying on Howard's chest while Howard was trying to hold back his tears. Then he felt a hand on his shoulder which he knew belonged to Raj.

It was a tough night for all of them.

Amy's family arrived not long after that. Her mom shouted at the doctor for not doing enough while her father quickly sat down and cried onto his hands.

What happened after was a blur of moments. He remembered his wife trying to soothe Sheldon and Sheldon was just catatonic in her arms. He remembered driving them home and tidying up Sheldon's old bedroom to make it comfortable enough for him to stay overnight. He remembered Penny making a cup of tea for everyone and how Sheldon was clutching the cup so hard but didn't drink any of it. He remembered tucking Sheldon to sleep and holding Penny in his arms that night. The one thing he remembered the most, however, was Sheldon's muffled cries from the next door.

The thing is, people grieve differently and throughout his life, he never really sees Sheldon grieves. He remembered when Professor Proton died and Sheldon tried to not let that unfortunate event bother his life even though it clearly did. He even refused to attend his idol's funeral but then it was just that. Professor Proton, as admirable as he was, was just an idol, a television persona that no matter how often they had met in real life, would never come as close as Amy was. Amy was part of the group and Professor Proton was essentially a stranger.

He expected Sheldon to be more neurotic. Hell that's the only reaction he expects from anyone who just lost his wife. He expected Sheldon to take grieving to another new level. He expected scream, anger, or at least cries.

He was wrong. Sheldon was a silent griever. He cried when the doctor delivered the news and again when he went to sleep on that fateful night but then he just went silent like a robot slowly losing its power.

***

The days after that were another blur of moments. Penny took charge of everything with Howard and Raj tried to help out whenever they could while Bernadette was occupied with her children. Leonard himself was trying to take care of his best friend. A task he admitted, failed to do.

Sheldon is gradually becoming more recluse. He doesn't talk at all except for the occasional nod or a shake of head when someone asks him a question, he rarely looks up from his lap or even reacts when someone hugs him even if it's his mom who came all the way from Texas right after she heard the news.

On the day of Amy's funeral, after refusing to give eulogy and bailing out early, Leonard came home to find his apartment empty. He thought that when Sheldon ordered an Uber to take him away from Amy's funeral, he would find Sheldon curling up again in his old bedroom but it was not the case.

He and Penny didn't want to panic but it was becoming harder and harder especially after 9 pm, Sheldon has yet to come back to their apartment. Thinking the worst, Leonard quickly asked Penny to inform everyone to search for Sheldon while he will try to search in the nearby area.

It was an hour later when Leonard realized that he has yet to check Sheldon's apartment. He quickly ran back home and got Sheldon's spare key before opening the door to 4B.

The first thing he noticed was it was clean. Not surprising to say the least as Penny had said to him a while ago that she would tidy things up a little bit in Sheldon's apartment when Sheldon started to live in his old bedroom again. The second thing he noticed was the open bedroom door which led to a sleeping figure in flannel pajamas that he familiarly recognized as the figure that everyone is looking for.

He quickly texted Penny to call off the search and put his phone away again in his pocket.

He noticed that Sheldon was fast asleep while clutching what seems to be a Hufflepuff's robe? Huh, weird. Leonard also noticed a tear streak down Sheldon's cheek and dampness on the pillow under Sheldon's head. Thinking that it would not do Sheldon's any good to leave him here and waking up to an empty apartment, he shook his friend awake.

"A-Amy? Are you back yet?" Sheldon said in his sleepy voice.

Leonard's heart broke a little when he heard Sheldon calling out Amy's name, clearly he was not fully awake yet and Leonard hated to be the one who pulled Sheldon out from his rather pleasant dream where none of this nightmare has ever happened.

"Sorry, buddy. It's me. Let's get you out of here, okay?" He said gently.

"Leonard?" His eyes started to open more widely. He turned his head to the other side of the bed before coming to a realization that her side of the bed is empty and it has been for a while. Sheldon sighed again and closed his eyes before letting Leonard pull himself out of the bed and out of his apartment.

Penny was there when they entered the apartment. Her face looked relieved when she saw Sheldon. She got up from his seat and lightly touched Sheldon's arm.

"Sweetie, do you want some tea?" His wife asked softly.

Leonard tried to stir Sheldon to his spot but Sheldon wouldn't budge.

"No, thank you. I'd rather go to sleep." Sheldon answered before he walked out the living room and into the direction of his old bedroom.

He looked at Penny with concern and slowly moved himself to sit next to her.

"Do you think we should call his mom?" He wondered out loud. Mary is currently staying at a hotel for the past few days and would be a few minutes away from their apartment. If he calls her now, she might be able to come in 20 minutes.

"It's late and he said he's going to sleep. I don't think it would be a good idea, maybe tomorrow." Penny answered.

He nodded and replied "I'm worried about him. He is never good with change and we are talking about good changes here. With Amy gone, I don't know what to expect. Remember when he broke his relation with Amy before they began dating and he started to collect cats? And of course when Amy broke up with him a few years later? He was so devastated and yet he still had some sort of a reaction. Here, it's like life is being sucked out of itself." Leonard put his arm around his wife, seeking her comfort.

As neurotic his friend is, Sheldon is still his closest friend whom he knows for almost two decades. Watching him now, it's like seeing a shadow of his former self. He really wants to help but he's out of ideas. He doesn't know how to comfort Sheldon. He doesn't know what will set him off or what will make him feel better.

"I know. People grieve differently, Leonard. Some cry harder than the rest, some just become more anguish, and some are just closing themselves up from anyone. Just give him time and space. That's what he needs right now." She put her head on the crook of his neck and sighed.

She does have a point. Today after all is Amy's funeral. It must hit Sheldon the worst than the rest of them combined. Maybe he just needs time to process it all and to cope with this tragic event in his life.

***

A few days passed after that and Leonard became more and more concerned for Sheldon. Sheldon only comes out from his room when he needs to go to the bathroom. He rarely eats the food that Leonard brings and whenever he enters Sheldon's room, everything is a mess. Leonard doesn't hear any cries coming from Sheldon's bedroom anymore though. Maybe it's a good sign even though he clearly doubts that considering the dark circles that started to form under Sheldon's eyes.

He watches his friend losing himself little by little every day and it makes him wonder to what end it's going to last.

Mary comes every morning and stays until dinner. She tried to talk to her son a few times but from what Leonard gathered, Sheldon refused to speak at all and ignored her whenever she's in the room. Mary said that he just needs time and if he doesn't get any better for the next two weeks, she's going to take him back to Texas.

Leonard asked Mary whether Sheldon was like this when his father died. Mary said that Sheldon was away for his study and when he came home to attend his father's funeral, Sheldon was behaving almost the same way he does now but then again he was only in Texas for a few days before going on his way again so Mary couldn't say for sure.

Howard, Raj, and Bernadette also try to come to dinner almost every day and offer comfort whenever they can. One by one they tried to talk to Sheldon but Sheldon is just shutting everybody off. Even with threats like dirty sock hidden in his room in order for him to come out and eat dinner with them were met with empty stare.

Leonard didn't know which one is better, Sheldon's being silent or Sheldon with his snarky and rude comments. This is killing him inside but what worse is, he feels so inadequate in helping his friend in his time of needs. As crazy as Sheldon is, he always has something helpful to say whenever one of his friends faces a crisis even though most of the time, it is also hidden behind a lot of 'I-know-I-am-better-than-you' comments. Right now though, Leonard feels so useless.

***

On the seventh day, Sheldon went missing again when Leonard checked on his room in the morning. He tried not to panic and woke his wife's up.

"Have you checked his apartment yet?" Penny inquired sleepily.

Oh right, he hasn't. He gave his wife a kiss before grabbing Sheldon's spare key and walked down to Sheldon's apartment. He found Sheldon in his bedroom again, now clutching Amy's sweater, sleeping soundly. Looking at the dark rings under his friend's eyes, Leonard thought it would be better to let Sheldon sleep for a few more minutes. Sheldon has been having sleeping problems lately on top of everything else, a few minutes of sleep would do him some good, he thought.

Leonard then went back to his apartment and found Penny was already awake, sitting on the sofa while watching a rerun of some reality show. "Found him in his bedroom. I think it's better to let him sleep for a few minutes more." He said.

"Poor boy. Today is French toast day, isn't it? Maybe we should make him some French toast. I will get some ingredients and come over there to make them. Do you want to come?"

Well Penny and he have been taking extra vacation days to take care of Sheldon so they are not needed anywhere else for the rest of the day and breakfast would be great for Sheldon. He's becoming so thin lately. He nodded as an answer and moved to the kitchen to help Penny gather the ingredients needed for French toast before going back to Sheldon's apartment.

It didn't take long to make one and by the time the plate was stacked high with French toast for three people, he saw Sheldon coming out of the bedroom, rubbing his eyes sleepily.

"Amy, I thought we have established that Saturday is cereal day. Why are you making French toast?"

Penny and Leonard froze when they heard him talk. They didn't know how to correct him by the glaring sad fact that they are not Amy and today is not Saturday.

When Sheldon opened his eyes, he was shocked to see Leonard and Penny in his apartment before turning his head to the side curiously.

"Oh, what are you guys doing here? Isn't it a common knowledge that going to other people's kitchen and making breakfast without the owner's consent is rude and borderline creepy? Did Amy invite you guys? Where's Amy?"

Leonard should have noticed that something is clearly wrong by this moment. Sheldon, with his eidetic memories, has always had a crystal recollection of everything. The fact that he thought today is Saturday and not Tuesday should raise a red flag and the fact that he thought they are Amy should have been the final nail to the coffin but then again Leonard reasoned that this might be because of the lack of sleep instead of something more serious.

Leonard swallowed and from the corner of his eyes, he can see Penny's eyes are tearing up a bit.

"Sweetie, let's sit down first, okay? Do you want French toast?" Leonard can hear his wife's voice breaks.

Sheldon slowly approached the married couple and sat down on the kitchen stool. "Are you okay, Penny? Leonard, control your wife a little. I don't need her crying the first thing in the morning." Sheldon stated.

"No, no, I'm fine, Sheldon. Here let me serve you some French toast." Penny said while stacking two pieces of French toast on a clear plate.

"But today is a cereal day" Sheldon pouted and pushed the plate away.

"Sheldon, today is Tues-"

Leonard cut her wife off before she can finish her sentence "You are right, buddy. Let me get you your cereal, yeah?" He purposely gave Penny a sidelong glance to warn her off before he stood up and got a bowl along with cereal and milk for Sheldon.

"Thank you, Leonard. Where is Amy?"

Neither Leonard nor Penny dare to answer so they avoid saying anything but Sheldon did not seem to notice. Sheldon blinked once and his eyes lost its focus before he changed the topic to his works.

This is not a good sign, Leonard thinks. Sheldon really needs help. Maybe his mother can help?

"I need to call Howard. I will be back." Leonard said while walking towards the door while mouthing the word 'mom' to Penny so she knows that he actually will call his mom instead.

After a few rings, his mom answered. "Yes, Leonard?"

"Mom, I need some advice. Sheldon is not coping well. He seems not to remember that Amy is…" He glanced at the open door to Sheldon's apartment and let the trail of thought speak for itself.

"It seems that his mind is not capable of processing the recent event and now is suppressing the memories all together. This is a very delicate situation."

"What should we do? Should we tell him?" Leonard asked desperately.

"No, it would not be good and I doubt any advice I will give you right now will have a positive effect on his healing process. I am free this weekend, I will come over." With that, his mom disconnected from the call.

Leonard let out a frustrated sigh and came back to Sheldon's apartment. He saw Penny and Sheldon were engaging in a discussion even though Penny' eyes were panicking a little bit. She let out a relieved sound when she saw her husband again. He shook his head and when he got closer, he whispered that his mom will come later this weekend.

Sheldon still didn't notice anything weird and seemed to be caught up on his one-sided conversation.

The rest of the day was no less awkward with them trying to avoid talking about Amy and Sheldon became either distracted with his own thoughts or talked about anything and everything. When dinner came, Mary said that she couldn't come while the rest of the gang said that they would bring out takeout from the Cheesecake Factory.

An hour later, Leonard heard a knock on his door and knowing that it must be the rest of the gang, he quickly opened the door and let them in. They were shocked to see Sheldon sitting on his spot and watching a random sci-fi movie when he usually would be in his room but what really made them really confused was the smile on Sheldon's face even though it clearly didn't reach his eyes.

"Hello" Sheldon greeted them softly.

Leonard hurriedly approached them and shook his head, telling them just to go along with it. They were still unsure on what to do so Penny took the food and asked Sheldon to prepare dinner with her.

"He's getting worse. He thinks that Amy is still..." He choked up the word again before looking away. "Please just go along with it, my mom will come to check on him this weekend" Leonard half-whispered to his friends. They nodded slowly and moved to their spot in the living room.

Dinner was really awkward after that as they were not sure what to say and what not to say in this situation. Whenever someone tried to bring up a topic, Sheldon would reply with something that correlates with Amy one way or another without realizing the awkward silence that come after. Sheldon didn't seem to notice though.

After dinner, Penny stirred Sheldon to his old bedroom to get ready for bed while the rest of the gang was still sitting in the living room, wondering what just happened.

It was Howard to break the silence first, "I didn't realize it was this bad."

Leonard looked up from his lap and answered "Yeah, mom said just to let him be as his brain couldn't process what actually happened. Hopefully when she comes, he will get better."

"How long has he been this way?" Bernadette joined in.

Leonard was about to say that it started this morning but then he remembered the first time Sheldon went missing and he found him in his bedroom, "The night after the funeral. Remember when Sheldon went missing? I found him sleeping in his apartment but when I tried to wake him up, he thought I was Amy. Today, I couldn't find him when I was about to check up on him in the morning. I found him again in his apartment. I told Penny that and she suggested that we make French toast as it's French toast day. When he woke up, he thought that we were Amy again and asked us why we made French toast on cereal day."

"Oh wow..." Raj was about to add something more before Penny walked in again into the living room.

"How is he?" Leonard wondered.

"He went to sleep immediately after he brushed his teeth." Penny answered and sat down on the sofa.

It was a somber evening and when everyone went back home and it's time for them to go to bed. He could not help but wonder what would happen if he loses Penny. Will he be like Sheldon? Slowly losing his mind until he could not even recognize himself anymore? He did not dare to wonder any further as he shuddered from the possibility. He slept relentlessly after that.

***

The days that came after were not better. There were days when Sheldon behaved completely like nothing happened, talking to Leonard and Penny about anything and everything without mentioning Amy at all. There were days when Sheldon did not come out of his room at all and there were days when he went missing and only to be found in his apartment. Leonard thinks that these days are the worst because whenever he wakes up in his bedroom, he is always in the mindset that Amy is still alive and is just away for work. He then will talk about Amy for the rest of the days while not noticing the effect it has on his friends.

Leonard told Mary on what happened and the day after that, Mary then becomes a constant presence in the apartment and only leaves when Sheldon is already asleep. His mom also came and tried to talk to Sheldon a few times but whenever he sees her, Sheldon always retreats to his room and doesn't come out again for the rest of the day.

Mary and his mom also argued a few times about what to do next for Sheldon, Mary is still in favor of taking his son back to Texas while his mom prefers that Sheldon is being put in a psychiatric ward for a few weeks as he shows no sign of progress in getting better. Not to mention, Leonard also secretly thinks that his mom is highly against Sheldon being dragged back to Texas due to the fear that Mary is going to leave Sheldon's mental health to the power of Jesus instead of bringing him to a trained psychiatrist.

He, himself, thinks that Sheldon is actually getting worse than before. As he barely eats, he is becoming thinner and thinner and even though Sheldon spends a lot of his time in his bedroom, his eyes have constant dark circles underneath them.

Leonard cannot even distinguish between Sheldon's good day and bad day anymore. Does talking a mile per minute while changing the topic every few seconds count as a good day compared to the day Sheldon barely speaks to anyone? Does staying in his old bedroom and plagued by nightmare count as a good thing compared to finding him sleepwalking to his apartment he used to share with his wife then thinking that said wife is still alive?

He's losing his friend and he knows it but he's incapable of helping him at the same time. He ends up wondering how a genius physicist could turn into someone who cannot even distinguish between dream and reality anymore.

When he broached this subject to his friends the other day they could not even begin to fathom on how to answer. Howard, however, commented that there is a fine line between genius and insanity and now Sheldon is entering the madness territory as his line has been cut off with Amy's death.

He could not help but agree though as a few days later, he got woken up by voices coming from Sheldon's bedroom at three in the morning. Thinking that it was just another nightmare, he put on his robe and walked down to Sheldon's bedroom. He knocked softly and when he heard Sheldon's voice to come in, he entered his friend's room. It is still messy and so unlike the Sheldon he knows.

He looked up from the floor and found Sheldon sitting on his bed, smiling like his previous self, albeit looking sickly. "Hey, got another nightmare?" Leonard asked.

Sheldon shook his head and looked to the other side of his bed, "No, no. Amy and I were just having a conversation."

Thinking that it is one of those days where Sheldon thinks that Amy is still alive, he walked down to Sheldon's side of the bed and sat down. "Sheldon, it's late. You need to sleep"

Sheldon is still staring at the spot next to him. His eyes are wide open.

"Sheldon, hey. Are you okay?" Leonard is becoming more concerned the seconds Sheldon doesn't answer him.

Then it's like something has snapped, Sheldon jumped a bit before focusing on Leonard again. "Yeah, yeah why wouldn't I be?"

"You should go to sleep." Leonard tried again.

Sheldon didn't answer but he closed his eyes immediately when Leonard tucked him up.

After that night, Leonard noticed that Sheldon sometimes talks to himself when no one is looking. Sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night due to Sheldon's voice from what he assumes as another conversation with the imaginary Amy. He started to have this one-sided conversation more often after that, sometimes it's when they eat breakfast together or when he sits on his spot to watch television.

Penny, of course, noticed it but didn't know what to do except telling this development to his mother and Sheldon's mother.

Their friends also noticed it as well when on the day Sheldon decided to join them for dinner in the living room, Sheldon asked Amy's opinion on Howard's project while also looking at the empty spot near him that used to be reserved for Amy. Howard suddenly became silent and didn't bring up his work anymore and the conversation after that was very strained as Sheldon kept asking Amy's opinion on his friends' story to an empty spot beside him. He would wait several seconds like he was listening to whatever his imaginary voice told him before either laughing at the response or shaking his head and followed up with a rebuttal or a snarky comment.

It was painful to watch and at that moment, Leonard realized that the Sheldon that they knew is no longer there anymore. Whatever inhibits his body right now is just a pale imitation of his previous self.

***

A week later, he got woken up again by the noises he heard from Sheldon's bedroom. Thinking it was another episode, he made his way to Sheldon's room. He was surprised, however, when he saw that Sheldon was sobbing in a curled up position. Looking by the damp spot on the pillow, Leonard deducted that this has been going on for a while.

He slowly approached Sheldon and sat next to him. He tentatively put his hand on Sheldon's shoulder.

"Hey, Sheldon. it's okay, it's okay. I'm here."

Sheldon shook his head and cried harder.

"No, no, no, no, not Amy"

Not knowing what to do, he gently soothes him and moves Sheldon's head on his lap. He saw Penny awake and standing near the doorway. She is about to approach but he shakes his head, thinking that another person crowding Sheldon at this moment will not be good. Penny nodded and mouthed the word 'tea' before going to the kitchen.

When she comes back, Sheldon is still hugging Leonard from the side but the crying has stopped. Thinking it's a good sign, Penny slowly approached.

"Honey, I made you a cup of tea. It's chamomile." Penny said to Sheldon.

Sheldon looked up and accepted the cup offered to him. He took a tiny sip before staring emptily at his cup.

"Amy is dead, isn't she?"

Penny and Leonard shared a look as it was the first time that Sheldon actually acknowledges his wife's death after more than a month of her funeral.

Leonard thinks that this might be a good sign considering how Sheldon behaved these past few weeks but it does not make it easy to bear the bad news again.

"Yes. I'm so sorry, Sheldon. I really am." Leonard said, not knowing what else to say.

Penny moved to Sheldon's other side and hugged him. They didn't say anything else for a while and only left when Sheldon said he's tired and he wanted to go back to sleep.

Come morning, Sheldon asked to be taken to Amy's grave.

They agreed and the whole ride was silent. It was not so different when they arrived at the cemetery. Sheldon was just standing there and staring at the gravestone.

“Leonard, where do they go?” Sheldon asked in a whisper.

Not sure what Sheldon is asking him, Leonard then replied “Where do they go what?”

Sheldon sighed and looked away from Amy’s gravestone. His eyes looked so dejected and tired. His shoulders were haunched as he clenched his fists.

“Soul, Leonard. Where do they go? After we take our last breath, what will happen?”

That’s the million dollar question, isn’t it? No one knows and for scientists like them, unanswered questions feel like an itch you need to scratch or a puzzle you need to solve. Leonard himself is not a religious man nor does he come from a religious family. He never thinks about what will happen when he dies. It’s a question he has yet to ask himself nor something he wants to entertain anytime soon.

Realizing that Sheldon is waiting for an answer, Leonard placed a hand on his shoulder and looked down at the engraving on Amy’s grave.

Loving daughter, friend, and wife.

It feels like the words are mocking him. How can a mere three words describe a person? Amy is so much more than that.

“No one knows, buddy.” At last he answered.

“I don’t believe in God, Leonard. The concept of an afterlife is baffling for me but I understand the necessity of it, now more than ever.”

“What do you mean?” Leonard asked curiously as the concept of deity for Sheldon is not something he sees in a good light. He's a man of science, through and though and for him to ask a question like this, does this mean that Mary managed to bring out the religious side of Sheldon?

“Death is certain but what comes after is a mystery. Humans always try to rationalize something they don’t have the answer to so an afterlife is created to comfort those who are still living as the idea of not meeting their loved ones again is unfathomable. The concept of an afterlife is not for the dead, it’s for the living because after you die, you simply cease to exist. You don’t have the ability to care anymore, Leonard. You are just gone.”

Not knowing how to answer, Leonard only furrowed his eyebrows and stayed silent.

That’s true, isn’t it? Heaven is after all a human’s concept. An idea that is created to fill the void of unanswered questions of what comes after death. A comforting notion where all suffering will end and a promise of the better road ahead. Heaven is just a concept because the reality is just too bleak for humans to comprehend.

Sheldon was not finished though, “But Leonard, for someone like me who does not believe in God. What comfort do I have? I will not see her again. Not now not ever. She ceased to exist and when I die, I will be too.”

Looking up to his best friend, he saw that Sheldon’s eyes were damp with tears as his body started shaking. Not knowing how to answer Sheldon's epiphany, Leonard only drew Sheldon in a hug. It was awkward, not only because of the height difference but also because Sheldon did not seem to notice Leonard’s attempt at comforting him. Sheldon was only standing there as his body shook while his tears did not seem to be slowing down either.

They went back after an hour and Sheldon locked himself up when they arrived back at his apartment.

Sheldon doesn't come out of his room for several days after that and Leonard gets woken up almost every day by Sheldon's sobs. Sheldon also asks to be taken to Amy's grave every afternoon where he will spend an hour staring at her gravestone. It's heartbreaking to hear him cry and to drive him to Amy's grave but then again there is nothing they could do and Leonard considers that Sheldon asking to be taken to Amy's grave is his way coming to terms with his wife's death.

Turned out it was not like that.

***

Sheldon doesn't have any other episodes after that and even though he doesn't talk much, he, at least, is becoming more functional again. He eats breakfast with his mother in the kitchen, he talks with Leonard's mom in the afternoon, and occasionally he joins his friends for dinner in the living room. He doesn't really join the conversation though but he always answers properly when someone asks him something. He also sleeps better considering the dark circles under his eyes have started to fade but then again it might be because of the sleeping pills and some other pills that his mother gives him during their daily therapy session.

Leonard is really glad that Sheldon is getting better but something seems a bit off.

The first sign was the over politeness. Sheldon that he knew is an unintentionally rude and uncaring person who thinks himself above all others in all aspects. This new Sheldon is too normal for someone who was experiencing hallucination for a month after his wife's death. He joins conversation whenever he can, he asks about his and Penny's day, he smiles and laughs, he even cooks them breakfast and dinner once in a while. It doesn't make any sense for Leonard but he didn't think much of it at that time.

The second sign was the way he keeps staring at his wedding ring. He would stare at it when no one notices then he would have a faraway stare and smile. Leonard knows that Sheldon hates nostalgia and the way he keeps staring at his ring, proved otherwise. This happens in the days after he stopped asking to be driven to Amy's grave.

The third sign would be the tidying up. Sheldon has always been a neat person and borderline obsessive with his stuff and Leonard didn't think something was off when Sheldon started to box his things up in his apartment. From his collectibles, books, figurines, to his clothes. When asked, Sheldon only shrugged and Leonard assumed that this is Sheldon's way of saying that he wanted to move out of his apartment because it reminds him too much of Amy. Leonard, being a good friend that he is, talked Penny into letting Sheldon move in again permanently into their apartment. Considering that Sheldon has been living with them for a while now, he doesn't think it would be a problem and Penny also thinks the same. When he broached the subject to Sheldon, Sheldon only said thank you but he didn't accept it.

It doesn't make sense for Leonard and his assumption started to go awry when not a few days later he found out that Sheldon had requested a termination contract with Caltech. He only knew this because President Siebert asked him to persuade Sheldon to stay, even offering an extended vacation day and an increased salary. When he asked Sheldon about this, Sheldon merely said that he doesn't want to work there anymore. He spent the day after that typing furiously on his computer.

At that time, Leonard's assumption was that Mary had finally succeeded in persuading Sheldon to go back to Texas with her. Why else would he empty out his apartment and quit his beloved job?

He should have known that something was really, really wrong when he asked Mary about this and she said that Sheldon had refused to come back to Texas on more than one occasion but Leonard didn't dare to question his friend further and thought to just let him be for the moment. Not to mention, Leonard has tons of workload he needs to catch up on due to him taking a few weeks off after Amy's funeral.

He really didn't think that something was clearly wrong with Sheldon.

***

That night, the group once again is eating dinner together in his living room as they always do lately and Leonard is feeling a bit relieved when Sheldon decides to join them.

This time it was different though. Sheldon was lively and he was genuinely concerned about his friends' life. He asked about their jobs, about Howard and Bernadette's children, about Raj's love life, about Penny's new project, and about his laser experiment. Sheldon commented on their response appropriately without being rude or awkward and even offered a compliment or two along with useful advice. He smiled and his eyes sparkled when he talked. Amy was not mentioned and nobody wanted to bring it up. It was surreal and Leonard honestly thought at that time that this is the sign that everything would get back to normal soon.

When Leonard slept that night, he was restless and he was in a constant half-awake half-asleep situation. He heard the water running in the bathroom but didn't think much of it as it was gone after a few minutes. He then heard noises coming from the kitchen and as he couldn't really sleep, he decided to might as well check on it.

He took his robe and exited his bedroom to see what happened. What he saw though was clearly still within the normal context as it was just Sheldon standing in the kitchen holding a cup of what looked like tea.

"Hey, Sheldon, what are you doing?" Leonard asked drowsily.

"Oh hey, Leonard. As you can see, I could not sleep so I decided to make something to drink."

"Tea?"

"It appears so. Do you want me to make another cup for you?"

It's not that weird for Sheldon to wake up in the middle of the night and make tea because he couldn't sleep. Thinking this was the case, Leonard started to calm down.

He felt a yawn come up and a sudden sleepiness came over him so he answered "No, thank you. I am sleepy though so I will leave you to it." He was about to turn back to his bedroom before he was grabbed by Sheldon.

Leonard turned around and saw Sheldon looking unsure on what he had just done. Sheldon dropped his hand and it was quite awkward as they were just standing there, staring at one another with Leonard waiting for Sheldon to say something and Sheldon still deciding on what to do.

Out of all the things that could happen, a full body hug from Sheldon was not what Leonard expected. He quickly returned the hug before Sheldon let go of him.

Sheldon didn't say anything but sensing something was wrong, Leonard decided just to ask him, "Are you really okay, buddy?"

Sheldon's eyes glazed over and he smiled, "I will be"

Leonard gave him another smile before walking back to his bedroom. Unlike before, this time he got to sleep right after his head touched the pillow and slid into the dreamland almost immediately.

If he knew what would happen in the morning, he would have accepted that tea offer, he would have asked what's wrong and didn't leave until Sheldon opened up to him. Hell, he should have noticed that Sheldon's breath smelled like alcohol when he hugged him or why the kitchen knife was on the counter instead of the kitchen's drawer.

He really should have done something more that night because it was the night Sheldon killed himself.

It was Penny who found him, drowning in his own blood in the bathtub and a kitchen knife on the bathroom's floor.

Her scream woke him up and thinking the worst happened to his wife, he jumped out of his bed and quickly ran to the source of her scream. Out of all the possible scenarios that he was thinking, seeing his friend lying motionless in the bathtub was the furthest thing in his mind and it would be the highlight of his nightmare for weeks to come.

He remembered frantically calling 911 and asked for an ambulance. He remembered how the medics came and dragged Sheldon out of the bathtub and performed CPR while some others pressed white towels onto Sheldon's arms. He remembered someone asked him and Penny to leave but his legs gave out. He remembered the color of red that forever tainted the bathroom tiles. He remembered he couldn't breathe before Penny shoved his inhaler into his mouth and stopped the incoming asthma attack. He remembered staring into space, trying to process what just happened and Penny, once again, landed the burden of calling everyone.

He remembered the medics came out from the bathroom with a stretcher and his friend's lifeless body on it.

He remembered the medics said that Sheldon clearly took something that made his blood thinner thus when he cut his veins open with the kitchen knife, the blood flowed out faster than it should. If not because of that, looking at the estimated time he cut himself, Sheldon could have been saved.

He remembered he laughed at that information, a hysterical laugh followed by a shake of his head. He remembered the smell of alcohol when his friend gave him that one last hug, he knew Sheldon was afraid of blood and by drinking alcohol, it must clearly help with his fear and whatever he drank last night, must not be tea like he originally assumed. Of course it's just like Sheldon who is always been so prepared. Of course, it's just like Sheldon who is always succeed in everything he puts his mind to. Of course, Leonard thinks as his laugh turned into sobs.

***

Sheldon's funeral was a quiet affair. Only his close friends and family came along with some of his coworkers.

He was buried next to Amy as per requested by his will that Leonard found in his bedroom. Turned out the reason why Sheldon spent a long time typing furiously on his computer was to write his will and as expected from Sheldon, his will is very practical and thorough in explaining the details of his funeral and how his things should be divided. They don't even need to tidy his apartment up as Sheldon had done that a few days before. Everything has been thoroughly planned by him.

He really thought he knew his friend. That's why he didn't think that the great Dr. Sheldon Cooper that many joked as an emotionless human being was capable of being crippled by the very emotion he ridiculed and ignored in the first place. Oh, the irony.

Leonard should have known. He should have seen the signs. He should have seen that his friend was hurting from the moment he started to have his episodes. He should have done something. He should have done more. Now he's gone and Leonard could not help but think that he had failed him.

Him mom was right in the end. He's always been a disappointment.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this!


End file.
